Update

So...I see that it's been over a year since my last update. I guess I'm overdue, but in my defense, life has been kinda crazy lately.

A lot of good things have been happening. I got married back in October, which is sort of old news now. The wedding went phenomenally well, and I am so grateful for everyone who attended. After that was a week-long trip to Disney, also very fun. Expensive, but fun. We had tickets to see Cirque du Soleil, an amazing show that we were almost late for. It was totally worth racing up the steps clutching my dress to keep from tripping over it to get to our seats on time. While I still don't fully understand what exactly was happening on stage, I loved it. The acrobatics, the artistry, the non-nonsensical comedy...it was all incredible and I sincerely hope that I will get to see another one of their shows in the future. It was a fun and hectic vacation and I am so glad that I got to experience so many new and wonderful things with the man I had married.

Unfortunately, my share of crappy things has been happening as well and a month or two ago, I was diagnosed with Dysthymia, which is a mild chronic depression.

Now, I say mild, because that's what I keep seeing when I look up information on this particular form of depression, but it doesn't feel particularly mild to me. I've been struggling with it for some time, especially in the past few months. Some days it's so bad that I have trouble getting out of my car to go in to work for the day. Like there is some physical force holding me back.

Any form of depression thoroughly sucks. The best way I can describe mine is...like I'm stuck in a dirt hole. I can see sunlight just slightly out of reach, and there is a ladder right in front of me. Only problem is, every time I try to go for the ladder, shit starts raining down on my head and knocks me down into the dirt. Or sometimes, there are dozens of ladders, but when I touch one, the rungs break and it becomes utterly useless. Basically, I can see what is wrong, and I am surrounded by dozens of solutions, but nothing I try seems to work, and everything else seems...pointless or unattainable. It's been frustratingly hard to work around, and my default threshold for misery seems to rise with every passing week.

Now...don't get me wrong, I still enjoy aspects of life. I can laugh and smile and have fun, but there's always that oppressive force or knowledge that I haven't made the right choices in my life for anything to have really changed, and so the depression hangs on, a stagnant little parasite feeding off of my own looping thoughts. I don't know if I just have too much time to think, or if I just need some big, positive change in my life. Something to make me feel like I'm making an impact on the world, or at the very least being useful in some capacity. Right now I feel like my days and potential are being wasted away and I don't know how to fix this. I'm trying, but it's hard. I'm still not sure if there's even a solution at all and I fight really hard not to believe that. I don't want to think that I'm going to be like this forever.

Anyway...I'm not exactly sure how to end this post. I did what I really wanted to, which was to get out a mini-update and try to...I don't know, I guess organize my thoughts on my depression. I'm hoping it will help me get a handle on things. Either way, I'm going to keep fighting and keep trying, and I'm thankful for the support of all of my friends and family who have been keeping me relatively sane since this all started. Knowing that they care means a lot when everything in my life is so chaotic and scattered.

I guess that's it for now. Hopefully next time I'll have more cheerful news and interesting stories to tell.