Monday, April 23, 2018

Worth

So, I know it's been a while, since I've written anything, but I wanted to take a shot at it again. I wanted to update anyone who is interested on my mental health (much better, details to follow) and share a few thoughts. If you're still reading this, thanks for sticking with me.

As you may, or may not know, I was diagnosed sometime last year with dysthymia, which is a mild, but still chronic form of depression. I was seeing a therapist for a good while, and I wanted to talk about the experience a little. My therapist was GREAT. He was...blunt, for sure, but I needed blunt. He pushed me not to avoid my problems, and to confront them instead, showing me over and over again that action yielded positive results, where inaction just made my stress and depression worse. Seems simple right? But it was a hard concept to internalize and actualize. I think the most important thing he taught me, was that I needed to re-write my own internal dialogue. Here's an example of my typical thought process, wasting my precious time at a job I hated...

I hate this. I'm going to be here forever. This is all I'm good for. I don't deserve anything better, and I'll never get it.

Or, if something went wrong, I would inevitably blame myself.

This recipe I'm working on turned out all wrong. I'm an idiot, I can't do anything right.

This is just how my brain worked. All of the bad things in my life were inevitable results of my eternal failing as a human being. One of the hardest things I had to do in therapy, was to take a step back and re-work these thoughts into something closer to reality. Instead of, I am slow at work, my numbers must be awful, I'm not doing enough, I had to tell myself, I'm doing fine. My actual numbers are good, and no one has brought me aside to correct me. Again, this sounds like basic common sense, but it was nearly impossible for me to believe that I wasn't absolute worthless garbage, incapable of anything worthy of recognition.

For a long time, I resisted the idea of going on anti-depressants. I wanted to believe that I could fight my depression with therapy alone, and for a little while it did work. I was improving, and could actually see how much my depression had actually effected not only me, but my friends and family. I did agree to take Trazodone, to help me sleep. Trazodone, is a great sleep aid, but it also has mild anti-depressant qualities as well. There was almost an immediate improvement in my attitude, and I went from telling myself I'm OK, it could be worse.to Holy crap, I was basically a completely different person. It was INCREDIBLE, the difference, even then. Eventually, therapy wasn't enough to hold back the crushing lows that were all but impossible to pull out of, and I agreed to go on an anti-depressant.

Now, my therapist couldn't prescribe anything, so I had to go to my primary care physician. She was busy at the time, and I ended up seeing the nurse practitioner, who was an absolutely lovely woman. When I told her what had been going on in therapy and my diagnosis of dysthymia, she had me fill out a short questionnaire that rates how bad your depression is. I can't remember what score I got now, but it was something like a thirteen or eighteen? She told me that if I had gotten an eight, she would have been recommending medication. Honestly, that was a bit of a shock to me, to see how bad I'd gotten again. But, it worked out well enough, I am now on a medication that is the generic of Lexipro. I was warned there would be side effects, and sent on my way with strict instructions and an uneasy hope that something would finally change.

There were definitely side effects to the new medication. They weren't as bad as they could have been, but I did have some interesting nausea the first week or two of taking my new medication. Thankfully, I had been smart enough to take it at night, so I generally slept through the worst of it, though sometimes I would wake up with my stomach roiling uncomfortably. Not pleasant, obviously, but definitely manageable. Then, I started to have mood swings, going quickly from happy to depressed, something that I was already a little familiar with.

The real change, came when I began feeling things more deeply and intensely than I had in years. I cried a lot, but usually because I was happy, and staying happy for more than a few moments at a time. It was a complete reversal of how I had felt for so very long. I remember one instance in particular. I was in the library, sitting at my computer and the cat had gotten to my lap. For the first time that I could remember, I was just overwhelmed with a sense of absolute peace and contentment. I hadn't known I could even feel something like that anymore. That sort of sealed it for me, that I was finally on the right path to recovery.

I also found my mental dialogue beginning to shift. I would sit at work and tell myself I won't be here forever, this is only temporary, and for the first time, I completely believed it. I believed I deserved better. I deserved happiness. I believed I had worth. It honestly awed me a little, but at the same time, it raised me up, lifting my confidence to a level that I hadn't experienced since college.

Now, I'm going back to school, studying to be a vet tech. Life is hard, but the growing void in me has gone, and I have a better handle on my emotions. I know that I am working toward something amazing, even if the day to day doesn't go exactly as I'd like. My relationship with my husband has grown stronger than ever, and he is my unwavering pillar of support in everything I do. Things are a bit scattered, and busy, but they are good, and getting better. I am eternally grateful for the support of my friends and family who were with me through what I now know was an extremely dark time in my life, and who are still here today. I'm grateful for my therapist and my doctors, because without them, my brain would still be imbalanced and working against me. I might even have gotten suicidal with time. I'm glad I never got to the point where I would find out.

I just want anyone out there struggling with depression and self-worth to know that they aren't alone, and there are people out there waiting to help. I know it is hard, money can be tight and insurance is an issue, but if you keep pushing, then you will find something. No one deserves to live the way I did. No one deserves to feel like they have less inherent worth than dirt. You matter, even if your mind tries to tell you otherwise. You deserve good things. You deserve happiness. I hope you find it.