Dreams

I have a tendency toward very vivid dreams. They can be random, several unrelated dreams happening in a single night, or sometimes serial in nature. More than once, I've gone to bed only to pick up from about where my dream had left off the night before. Sometimes I dream the same dream over again, but know that I'd already been through whatever was happening. It can lead to some stressful nights, even when the dream isn't particularly bad. I've been chased by nameless shadows, breathed under water, run from vampires and even zombies created by mind-controlling cereal. Last night I had three particularly memorable dreams, I can't remember their exact order, but I do remember having them, which doesn't always happen.

One dream was very short, and involved me seeing a play with a couple of friends. I don't remember what it was about, but it was definitely a musical, and I'm pretty sure there were some fabulous drag queens involved. I didn't get to see much of the show, my one friend pulled me out to a vending machine and at one point and we were having some difficulty getting back through the huge metal and glass doors.

Another dream, a bit longer and more bizarre, started out as a pretty standard school dream. I was getting settled into a dorm room for a new semester, I'm fairly certain my old college roommate was there, but we also shared the room with a couple of other girls I didn't know. I'm not sure why, but at some point something shifted. I felt it shift, like some sort of warped energy slamming into me and making my heart speed up. I remember seeing an odd little black device with a glowing light in the center. I instinctively knew it was something bad, like a mix of an evil spirit and a hyper intelligent computer. I also knew, that my younger brother Cody had done something, summoned or modified it, causing this sudden shift. I was worried, but apparently he was staying in the same building as I was, so I found him quickly.

When I got there Cody was...nothing like himself, really. He had a completely different face and body and was balding on top with only stubble on the sides and back of his head. I'm pretty sure his voice was different too, and I was afraid that he wouldn't know who I was, or worse, know and not care. I was relieved to find him happy enough to see me, giving me an eager hug and answering amiably when I asked if he was all right. Whatever he had done to himself had apparently made him incredibly intelligent and maybe even magical, I'm not sure. I think he had some sort of plan or experiment cooking, but I didn't get much farther than that before I woke up, or the dream changed.

The last dream I had, I actually remember as being the one that happened right before I woke up for the day. I was at Hogwarts, and part of a small group that had been entrusted with some very important keys. Of course, we couldn't resist trying a few out, and exploring. I don't remember much of that, but I do remember leaving one door, and going to lock it only to discover that I didn't actually have the key, and the woman who did was somewhere out of reach. This would have been fine if the door hadn't been keeping some unspeakable, dangerous horror locked up. I ran to find the staff, any competent adult who could help me. They were having some sort of staff party and mostly useless until the horror finally materialized. It appeared as...a host of these odd rat spirits. We fought them off, and suddenly I was a werewolf, I think? I'd changed into something more lupine than human and was fighting with my teeth, snapping them out of existence. I have to admit that I woke up a little confused.

I can't decide if I would prefer that these weird vivid dreams were longer, and better story fodder, or if I just didn't remember them at all. I think I sleep better when I don't remember my dreams, but some of them do have potential to become something complex and interesting with the right guidance and editing. I guess it doesn't matter, really. I'm going to continue having them no matter what my preference is. I guess all I can do is choose to ignore them or write them down.

Update

So...I see that it's been over a year since my last update. I guess I'm overdue, but in my defense, life has been kinda crazy lately.

A lot of good things have been happening. I got married back in October, which is sort of old news now. The wedding went phenomenally well, and I am so grateful for everyone who attended. After that was a week-long trip to Disney, also very fun. Expensive, but fun. We had tickets to see Cirque du Soleil, an amazing show that we were almost late for. It was totally worth racing up the steps clutching my dress to keep from tripping over it to get to our seats on time. While I still don't fully understand what exactly was happening on stage, I loved it. The acrobatics, the artistry, the non-nonsensical comedy...it was all incredible and I sincerely hope that I will get to see another one of their shows in the future. It was a fun and hectic vacation and I am so glad that I got to experience so many new and wonderful things with the man I had married.

Unfortunately, my share of crappy things has been happening as well and a month or two ago, I was diagnosed with Dysthymia, which is a mild chronic depression.

Now, I say mild, because that's what I keep seeing when I look up information on this particular form of depression, but it doesn't feel particularly mild to me. I've been struggling with it for some time, especially in the past few months. Some days it's so bad that I have trouble getting out of my car to go in to work for the day. Like there is some physical force holding me back.

Any form of depression thoroughly sucks. The best way I can describe mine is...like I'm stuck in a dirt hole. I can see sunlight just slightly out of reach, and there is a ladder right in front of me. Only problem is, every time I try to go for the ladder, shit starts raining down on my head and knocks me down into the dirt. Or sometimes, there are dozens of ladders, but when I touch one, the rungs break and it becomes utterly useless. Basically, I can see what is wrong, and I am surrounded by dozens of solutions, but nothing I try seems to work, and everything else seems...pointless or unattainable. It's been frustratingly hard to work around, and my default threshold for misery seems to rise with every passing week.

Now...don't get me wrong, I still enjoy aspects of life. I can laugh and smile and have fun, but there's always that oppressive force or knowledge that I haven't made the right choices in my life for anything to have really changed, and so the depression hangs on, a stagnant little parasite feeding off of my own looping thoughts. I don't know if I just have too much time to think, or if I just need some big, positive change in my life. Something to make me feel like I'm making an impact on the world, or at the very least being useful in some capacity. Right now I feel like my days and potential are being wasted away and I don't know how to fix this. I'm trying, but it's hard. I'm still not sure if there's even a solution at all and I fight really hard not to believe that. I don't want to think that I'm going to be like this forever.

Anyway...I'm not exactly sure how to end this post. I did what I really wanted to, which was to get out a mini-update and try to...I don't know, I guess organize my thoughts on my depression. I'm hoping it will help me get a handle on things. Either way, I'm going to keep fighting and keep trying, and I'm thankful for the support of all of my friends and family who have been keeping me relatively sane since this all started. Knowing that they care means a lot when everything in my life is so chaotic and scattered.

I guess that's it for now. Hopefully next time I'll have more cheerful news and interesting stories to tell.